You name it, I've tried it. Sex, masturbating, cussing, running away, drinking, drugs, cutting, porn, suicidal thoughts, hating God, looking to guys for love, depression, starving myself, thought life. My name is Naomi and this is my confession. I'm the girl you see in Wal*Mart. The one that doesn't look happy, doesn't look sad. I look normal on the outside. But if you could see inside of me you'd see someone fighting just to stay alive. Fighting not to think about someone in the wrong way. I'm the one that cries herself to sleep most nights. I'm the girl that couldn't see how beautiful she is. I'm the last one picked. I'm the girl who doesn't ever remember feeling completely loved. I'm the one that stopped crying three times cuz there were no more tears left to cry. I'm one of the 25% of girls on earth that are visual (think like a guy when they see a immodest girl. Only it works both ways, guys and girls are distracting.) I'm freakishly honest yet the best liar there ever was. I'm fascinated by watching the blood flow from my arm. I'm the girl with the heart, that if you could see it, is in a thousand pieces. I'm verbally abused. I dishonor my parents for a moment of what should have been fun. I'm the one that hates herself for being all this and people still thinking I'm a good Christian girl. I'm the girl who can't remember how to trust. I'm the quiet girl that everyone thinks they know—but they don't. How many times did I let the thought come and not push it away? How many times did I only want to die? How many nights did I cry alone wishing I could trust someone long enough to let them hold me in their arms? Or holding the cool metal blade in my hand, knowing I'd hate myself afterward and still giving in? When did I see that first picture? Think that first thought? When did I first cuss? How many times did my heart break to pieces, leaving me screaming at the physical pain of it? How many times did I wish I'd cut deeper so I would feel no more pain? If you look into my eyes you wouldn't see all that. You would see experience but you wouldn't see the pain that comes with all that. I've found something better than all that. Used to I'd get a rush, like getting high, when I'd cut myself or masturbate. Now I get that same rush when I read my Bible. I'm sorry to use it in that context but it's how I feel. I feel light and happy, knowing there's someone so amazing that loves me, forgives me and never lets me go, no matter how many times I've walked away. He always wants me back. Tonight, as I write this, I can honestly say that if not for God and His amazing love for me and forgiveness, I'd be dead right now. The hardest thing for me to do is talk about God. Because I hated Him for so long for letting me have a mom that would abuse me and my family but still talk about how He was doing something in her life. I hated her for it. I hated watching her love other people and me being left wanting, craving her love. I just forgave her about two weeks ago and I have to forgive her everyday. Ever time I hear her say abusive words I have to forgive her. I look at her and listen to her talk about God and I have to forgive her. Hate will kill me, it nearly did. I'm so afraid that my heart will never heal. That I'll be so terrible that I'll end up in hell for eternity. That I won't be able to trust people. I'm afraid that people will judge me and say I tried all that for attention. I was looking for something that wasn't in any of those things...God. Afraid that I won't be able to hold onto God when life comes at me. And my greatest fear is that I'll kill myself. I know God has something better for my life. I want to live to see that. I'm so afraid I'll kill myself and then be like, that was stupid. The test of courage is not to die, but to live. I'm not a coward and I'm not obsessed with being courageous but I want to live and see how this turns out in the end. I look at my wrists now and see the scars. Some of them months old. I was a cutter for two years, haven't been for three days. I was suicidal for two years and I still kinda am. I was masturbating for about eight years. I can't remember. I haven't been masturbating for four days. I would take too much ibuprofen and now I'm immune to it. I can take 12-16 a day and not hardly feel it. Porn was off and on. I knew exactly what to get that had just enough pictures to not be called porn but still being it. Looking to guys for love brought on nearly having sex one time. I nearly ran away from home about three years ago. I don't know how long I've been cussing when my parents weren't around. I wanted to drink so I tried wine and hated it. But I'd drink more anyways just cuz I hated the flavor. Been depressed for four years. Still kinda am but not as bad. I would starve myself for one or two days at a time so no one would notice I wasn't eating. I'm not doing that anymore. My thought life is major because I tend to think about something and then stay with that thought instead of pushing it away or focusing on God. Amazingly, I am still a virgin, still alive, have only thirty visible scars on my wrists, am not looking at porn anymore, don't have my knife, hate the way wine/beer/alcohol tastes, never been high on drugs, not cussing anymore, still living at home and I love God and am constantly amazed at Him. God is my rock. He's used other people to save my life so many times. Putting them there to encourage me and make me look at myself differently. I thank God for saving my life and for putting people in my life and letting me trust them enough to let them into my world. He's constantly showing me something new. I'm learning all the time. I can't get enough of God. I read my Bible everyday and some days I don't wanna put it down. But I still fight. I'm not perfect and I never will be. Striving for perfection nearly killed me cuz outside I could look perfect but inside I knew how terrible I really was. I don't ever wanna be perfect. I am perfect the way I am. That is my confession. Oh, and I'm sixteen. Some of those things I didn't want to put on there, like drinking. If you think about it, I wasn't really ever a drinker. I drank probably two times, but I did it. Other things I didn't want to put, porn, masturbating. I just read over that and it seems like something that should happen to other people, not me. But I am a real person and I have done all those things. I was totally honest because this is my confession. Be totally honest with yourself and write your own confession. Leviticus 19:28, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Psalm 23:3, Proverbs 16:6, Proverbs 16:25, John 16:1, Psalm 22:29; James 1:2-3