The confessions tour came twice to Oklahoma and I never confessed anything. I could feel God telling me to but I didn't. That was almost a year ago. Now I can honestly confess and there's more to confess now then there would have been then. For nearly two years I've been a cutter. I almost ran away from home about three years ago. I nearly had sex in November (2009) and it takes a lot for me to talk about God. I was also suicidal and just two weeks ago nearly killed myself. For some reason God didn't want me to die. He put people in my life that would save me so many times. There were days when I just wanted to give up and give into the wonderful thought of suicide. The only reason I never did was because I am not a coward and somewhere I read a quote that it takes courage to live and cowards kill themselves. I don't totally agree with that cuz it takes courage to kill yourself but I still wanted to live to say I survived everything. Random people would come to me and tell me stuff like God loves me or I looked really happy. One week a person I knew but never really talked to told me I looked really happy. That week I was seriously considering killing myself. If he hadn't said that and made me look in the mirror at myself I would have died. I can only thank God for saving my life and for loving me enough to put people in my way so they would save my life. My friends never really understood how I could cut myself or even think about killing myself. A week ago they watched 'To Save A Life' and my best friend came home and talked to me. She said that there's a scene where the guy is crying and cutting himself. She understood what I was feeling. It hurts. I don't know why God made me this way. I should be this perfect girl who doesn't have anything wrong with her life. I should be the one that people look up to, not down on. I should be the perfect role model for my family. But I'm not. I'm this way for a reason and I've accepted that. I can't ever be perfect. Perfection, or lack of it, nearly killed me. I know I'm never gonna be perfect. Every time I see the scars on my wrists I wish I'd never done that. Every time I see that guy I can't believe I even considered sex for one minute. Every time I saw my knife that I don't have anymore I wanted to slice my whole arm off. Every time I see my mom I wonder why perfection was so important. Pain is inevitable in life. If you can't forgive yourself you're nothing. I finally learned how to forgive myself and others but I can't trust. I'm so broken. I can't ever remember trusting. I can't remember feeling fully and completely loved. Something is messed up about that. I can love and be trusted but I can't trust and feel loved. If you could look at my heart you'd see a thousand little pieces of my shattered heart that may never be put back together again. So many times I cry and wonder if there's a reason for my broken heart. That's a long confession. I probably repeated myself a few times. I'm good at that. I'm good at a lot of things but really good at repeating myself :) So yes, I am a broken person who is trying to stand back up and face the flood. And even though sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in my own tears or blood I know I can stand back up and face life. I will survive and I will figure out what trust is. How can something be so important if it's almost meaningless? How can people be so broken yet still love? How can you love someone who constantly hurts you? How do you trust when you don't know what trust is? I dunno. Maybe I'll know someday but for now I'm just a girl who nobody knows. I look perfect from the outside but inside I'm falling apart and dying. Stuck in this rut Don't know where to go Running but getting nowhere